April 9, 2011

The standoff in the driveway had nothing to do with my ipad.

James thought it did.

I was under no delusion that I would be able to keep it from the family. It now even houses Zuva’s pet Giraffe.

But the news I received before I entered the car pushed me over the edge. The sketch I had finished of Polly Plus the night before had been lost when James opened the program on my ipad.

But it was not about the ipad.

It was about me.

It was about my need to have some sort of limits set in my limitless life.

As I strive to be the best mom and partner, I struggle with my boundaries. I even struggle typing the word.

There is nothing I don’t share. My time, my money, my food, my thoughts, my children, my time, my experiences. If you need my spleen- it’s yours.

You need to be picked up now? No problem. You want some of my chocolate cake- cool- I don’t need it anyway. Want to sleep in my room- you can have a pullout mattress under my bed until you are one hundred years old.  There must have been a defining moment in my life that I  convinced myself that with this trait, I am better than everyone else. Giving is a contest that I easily win.

But in that moment, in the driveway, I wanted something. Something to be mine. Only mine, if even for a moment.

Something the kids or James or the random guy down the street would say… “Oh, you can’t touch that, that’s Kim’s!”. I do this for other people. I knock before I enter, I save the last piece of cake for lunches, I put the pens back where I found them (most of the time).

I’ve spent most of my parenting life trying to break the pattern of sacrificial parent, to do service only if I won’t resent it. To relish the privilege of serving. It sincerely brings me joy.

But in that moment I wanted something, anything, to just be mine. What do other people have that is just theirs? Is it possible? I can’t even fathom what it could be.

4 Responses to “mine.”

  1. Victor Frankel said that everything can be taken from man but his ability to choose. I live by that. I am not a victim. If I am overly tired from watching children, if I didn’t get dinner because I helped a neighbor, if all the ice cream is gone because I waited to eat it later, I have chosen these things. The beauty of it all is that I can choose differently next time, if I really want to. I am not a victim. I am free to choose! It took almost 60 years to come to this knowledge and to find peace. Sometimes we chose to give it all. But if it becomes too much we can choose to pull back a bit, for a time. We can choose. Hang in there Kimberly.

  2. kimberlymoore Says:

    Thanks Mary Ann! I completely agree with Victor Frankel and live my life like that too. Sometimes, just sometimes, I wonder what and how to choose differently.
    I am doing really well now and am full of gratitude for all I have co-created in my life. Issues seemed to be settling with my daughters, and everything is going fine. I was wondering how to start placing boundaries when you haven’t before.
    I think the one thing I have that is for me is Arithmetic Village. It brings me joy to focus on it when I create a chance.:)

  3. Sherri Lauer Says:

    Can I have your spleen? I’m tired of mine!

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